Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
