Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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