I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
