You made me cry and you don't even care
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
