a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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