Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
