Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
