I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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