I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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