worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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