"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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