look no pants
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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