i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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