Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
only you would photoshop your dick
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
