it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
