worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
