You're my little dorito
I think my fart just growled at me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
