I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
