Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
