so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
