Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
