FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
