dude i'm inner monologue high
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
