sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
