Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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