I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's the barista slut.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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