just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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