Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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