I wannas sexs uuuuu
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
