Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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