Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it's like heaven, but drunker
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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