This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
