Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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