When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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