you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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