Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
