the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
