I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
