My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
