I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
