I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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