Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
