can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
