god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
