If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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