so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
