Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
