so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
