woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
