Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize