i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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