If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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