You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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