I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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