So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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