I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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