you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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